Last night around 1:00 AM I was having trouble falling asleep so I wandered into the living room and sat down at the computer to try to shut down my brain. After about 20 minutes I decided that the internet held nothing for my state of emotional unrest, and I sat just staring at the dark room over the laptop monitor. I hadn’t turned any lights on, but the computer cast a bit of a glow, and I sat trying to call up some ghostly apparitions from the dark corners.. maybe Robert the Doll would come visit me, maybe he was responsible for my lack of sleep?? I was pretty sure I’d asked properly before taking his photo the other day, so I was pretty sure that wasn’t it.

After a few minutes of just mentally drifting in and out in the dark room I heard some rustling noises. What the fuck! For a brief moment I actually thought maybe I had conjured up some restless ghost, but I quickly came to the realization that the noises were coming from outside. I got up and went to the front door. I peeked through the blinds to the street and noticed a couple of dudes out there. This is nothing strange in and of itself because Key West never fully goes to sleep, and there are people walking up and down the streets at all hours. What was strange was that one of them was walking back and forth from my side of the street to the other looking up and down the street as if waiting for someone.. maybe a cab I thought.

The other guy disappeared in front of the building next door, then reappeared and walked into the little ‘alley’ between my apartment and that building. At this point I began to realize there was something up. There’s a gate there (albeit a very non-secure one) but you have to move the two of those large green trash bins to even get to the gate. I moved to the window above our couch that looks into the alley. I say alley, but it’s really just the space between the buildings.. maybe 6 feet wide if that. Being dark in my apartment, he didn’t notice I was watching him from my window as he proceeded to pry at the plywood panel screwed over a window in the building across from mine. Let me tell you, prying a plywood board off of a wooden frame window at 1:30 in the morning makes no small amount of noise. Did he think we were all deaf? It’s not like there were no front porch lights to let him know there were people home.

Great. Call the cops or go out and ask this brain surgeon what the hell his problem is? Part of me wanted to just go out and shoe his ass off, but then my desire to see this idiot go to jail got the better of me. Cursing my luck, I sat back down at the computer and googled KWPD, called the number and explained to the young lady who answered that there was a really dumb burglar trying to gain entrance to the realty business next door to my appt.. while she asked me for a description of the perp, Christina wandered out of bedroom and went into the bathroom. I didn’t think about this at the time, but the bathroom window faces the little alley, and she had turned the light on in there. How this guy didn’t see the light come on and bolt right then, I have no idea.

This guy isn’t terribly smart

I went back to the window and gave the officer on the phone a description… White male, short brown hair, 6 ft tall, white t-shirt (WHITE!!!!), dark shorts, no apparent implements of destruction, etc.

Now, I’m no expert on burglary, but if I was going to knock off a building at night, I might try to dress in something a little more appropriate, and I dunno..maybe try not to make enough noise to wake the dead. Fucks sake man, have a little respect for your craft!

It was right about then that I made the connection that dude number 2 on the far side of the street wasn’t waiting for a cab at all, but was this guys lookout! Well, dude number 2 must have given a signal because right then all hell broke lose; number 2 bolted, and my robber scurried out of the alley just as the police officer reached my front porch. He took off like a bat out of hell down the street, with two cops in hot pursuit. About 30 seconds later a police cruiser with lights blazing and sirens wailing flew past, and parked in the street a bit up the road. So exciting! I went outside and counted at least 4 police cruisers. It must have been a slow night at the station, they were all out in force! All said it was no more that 45 seconds after I called, that the police came running down the street.. pretty damned impressive response time. At least I know if there’s ever anything really bad happening I don’t have to worry about waiting for the fuzz!

I gave the officer on the phone my number and hung up. She called back a few minutes later telling me that an officer was coming to talk to me. I hoped that they’d gotten him. I waited on the porch for the officer, and when he arrived he took me down to his car to drive over to where they’d apprehended the guy so I could give a positive ID. I’d never been in a cop car before! At least I got to ride in the front seat. We did a drive by so I could see the guy. Yep, that was my dumb-ass burglar. He was shirtless at this point, but it was him.

Back at my apartment, I filled out a statement (Another first!), and said goodnight to the officers. They remained outside for about another hour playing CSI in the alley. We shut off the lights and went back to bed. I had to read myself back to sleep after all that.. I’d been trying to mellow out so I could sleep, and wound up championing the forces of good! I guess I’m glad I was awake to call the cops though, no telling what the perp could have gotten in that realty office. Important newspaper listings? Secret paperwork?

All in all a little rattling. I guess even paradise has its issues!