What to Do in KW

What To Do in Key West (As If You Have To Ask) Part 1

Hey Mike, what should I do when I come to Key West?

I think that the answer to that question is pretty obvious; get drunk and pass out half-naked in the gutter with some beads in your mouth, but I still get asked this question pretty frequently. So after a couple long drawn-out return emails back to people with all my recommendations, I started just copying and pasting it. Man, what a pain this is! I thought to myself. Then it hit me.. why not just post it here? I mean, I’m a relatively smart guy, why not make it easy on myself.. and you. So now you can just come here, read this post, and be an instant Key West Vacation Aficionado. Birds will sing, angels will sing, drag queens will.. well.. sing.. you get the picture. Mass hysteria and all that good shit.

Of course, I’m certain that there are a great many things I’ll leave out of this list simply because I don’t know about ‘em, or have no interest in ‘em.. like fishing.. if you want fishing charter advice you came to the wrong place. I don’t know jack-squat about fishing, or where to go to get a good captain. Heck, I don’t even like to eat fish.

So the end-all, be-all guide to your Key West Vacation, this is probably not, but eating, drinking, sight-seeing, and merry-making.. I’m your man. Or I could be for the right price.

So welcome to the first post in a series of what I think you should be doing with your drunk ass when you’re in Key West. I hope you enjoy it, and I hope it helps you have a better vacation!

What to do with your car when you get here.

Lots of people actually drive down. I guess you have to do it a few times; it can be pretty interesting if you’ve never done it before. Personally, I’m done with that freakin’ drive.. it’s worth every bit of the pittance it costs to fly from Orlando on Airtran to not have to make that 7+ hour drive ever again. Alternately, you can take the Key West Express from Fort Myers for like 85 bucks each way. Driving really only makes sense if you have a carload of people; if you’re coming by yourself, it’s cheaper to fly.

But if you do have your car with you, and your hotel doesn’t have a parking lot (Many of the smaller ones don’t), you can either park it at one of the city lots or go native and park it on the streets in Old Town. All of the on-street parking north of Simonton is un-metered. The only caveat is that every other space is labeled “Residential”, and unless you have a Monroe county tag, you don’t want to park in one of those spaces. You will get a ticket. Any space not labeled is fine to park in.

The meters on the streets in old town south of Simonton are like 25 cents per 10 minutes, definitely NOT cheap, and the meter maids in this city have a sixth sense when it comes to meters running out.. don’t take a chance at the meters unless you have a pocket full of quarters you don’t want, and a lot of luck on your side. You don’t want to have a run-in with one of the meter-maids, they are VERY unfriendly folk – they are perhaps the only people in Key West who are not having a good time.

There’s a city park-n-ride garage near the ferry terminal on Grinnell, and this is where I usually tell people to park. It’s like 13 bucks a day, and it’s covered. Plus, you can park and then stop by Dante’s just next door for a cold one before settling in!

There’s also a surface lot downtown next to City Hall on the corner of Simonton and Angela, I think it’s a little more expensive, but it’s certainly closer to the Duval action. They have an automated kiosk there that spits out a ticket to put on your dash. I don’t know for sure if you can long-term park there or if it’s just a daily thing. I’ll check into that and update this post when I can.

Regardless of where you park, once you find a spot, leave your car there and get a bicycle. You do not want to be driving around Key West from place to place, it’s far easier to bike, or heck.. walk even! It’s a small city, and the more energy you expend, the more you can eat and drink while you’re here!

So you parked your car. Now rent a bicycle!

Don’t be a wank and rent a scooter, they’re annoying, and the only people who rent them are fat lazy people from new york and sexually-challenged frat boys looking to make as much nuisance of themselves as possible. Plus your chances of dying in an alcohol-related crash are greatly increased on a scooter. (No, I’m not advocating drinking and biking, but we’re all adults here) Seriously.. the island is like 2 miles wide.. if you can’t get there on a bike in under 10 minutes, it’s not worth going.

If you’re absolutely against any kind of physical exercise, rent a golf cart. At least they’re electric and don’t make any noise at 2 AM when I’m trying to sleep. Plus you can take your friends with you.

When we visited KW before moving here, we always rented bikes from The Moped Hospital on the corner of Truman and Simonton, simply because it was the closest place to where we stayed. There are lots of places to rent bikes and golf carts from, and I’m pretty sure they’re all about the same price, so pick one close to where you’re staying. Here are a few off the top of my head:

Island Bikes – Love these guys, they rent Electra Coasters, the perfect island bike, and they’re super nice
Pirate Scooter – They rent golf carts and scooters too
Eaton Bikes - They pick up and deliver bikes!
Re-Cycle – They’re up in New Town if you’re too cheap to stay in Old Town

One more word about biking. And I find myself loathe to even attempt to act grown-up enough to add this, but follow the damn normal rules of traffic engagement and you’ll be fine. Start blowing through stop lights, and passing cars lined up at the lights, and you will get yourself into trouble. Key west is a VERY bike-friendly city, and the folks who live here are used to sharing the road with bikes, pedestrians, and scooters. Don’t be afraid, and don’t ride on the freakin’ sidewalk if you can help it. Gah.. my fingers feel dirty just from typing that paragraph.

Well, that pretty much sums up part one of Mike’s guide to a successful Key West Vacation.. You’re here, your car is stashed away, and you have your trusty two-wheeled steed to take you adventuring wherever your little heart may chose to go. Next we’ll talk a little about bars and food, so stay tuned!

Peace
M