Archive for August, 2009

How do you decide to leave it all behind?

I had to get laid off

How do you make the decision to quit your job, sell your crap and move to Key West? You could decide to stand up and quit your miserable soul-sucking job in a blaze of adrenaline-fueled bravado, telling your boss to shove it where the sun don’t shine – or you could have that opportunity stripped from you and just get laid off – like me. While some people might look at being jobless in today’s economic slump as a pretty freaky thing, (it was for me for a few months), I ultimately decided to take the opportunity to redefine my life.

I was lucky in that my employer sent me off with a respectable severance package so I’d had a bit of a cushion. I decided to take some time soul-searching. Hell, no one in my industry was hiring, in fact they were all laying people off left and right, just like my old firm was, so there wasn’t much of a chance to get a job doing what I’d spent the last 20 years building skills for. I’d gone right from high school into a series of jobs that eventually led to a 20 year stint in the Community Planning industry doing Graphic Design for a lot of government redevelopment projects. Sitting in my home office the week after getting the axe, staring at the want ads in Monster and Job Finder, I had a striking revelation;

On paper I was pretty unimpressive to most employers wanting to hire a Graphic Artist.

Not only was most of my work pretty creatively stunted by the nature of the industry, but I’d focused on a pretty niche corner.. 3D modeling. I’d been very successful within my own industry, but without that industry, I had bupkis. Worse yet, I’d been so comfortable and complacent at my job, that I rarely saved any of my work into a place where I could pull it out and build a portfolio. So even if I had done some work that a potential employer would find relevant, I didn’t have the proof. Crap.

Did I even want to do that kind of work anymore?

I had another stumbling block rattling around in the back of my head. I didn’t think I even wanted to do Graphics anymore, but what else could I do? It’s all I’d ever done.

I knew that I really enjoyed writing. I also enjoyed creating artwork and sculpting. I was good with my hands, I could build just about anything, but who would hire me as a carpenter with no experience? I had literally no service industry experience, so I couldn’t get a job at any reputable restaurant, not that I have anything remotely resembling the correct personality to do that type of work even if I could.

I was flummoxed.

I stumbled on the door to freedom

One day about two weeks after getting laid off, as I sat staring at the want ads, sinking deeper into despair, the answer just fell into my lap. I’d been downloading a movie on the internet (I know, I’m a bad person, sue me), and it turned out to be not the movie I was looking for, but a video about the law of attraction. I’ve always been very much against self-help new-age existentialist crap, so I was pretty turned off, and also a bit peeved that I wasn’t able to veg out and enjoy the movie I had intended to watch. Sheer boredom compelled me to watch it however, and it wound up changing my life.

Now, I know what you’re thinking, and I thought the same thing, and it’s probably true. I was vulnerable and lost, and I latched onto the first thing that came along that gave me insight into a brighter future. Eh, so what, If it compelled me to get off my ass and start living the life I wanted, I don’t care how it found me.

Now, my BS meter is pretty hard to get past and I’m not a believer in organized religion, or organizations of any kind for that matter, I’m definitely not a joiner. But this was different, there’s no church, there’s no club, they didn’t ask for money.. they were just explaining this idea. This is an idea that has been around for hundreds upon hundreds of years, and it’s essentially a simple concept, you attract to your life that which you spend the most time thinking about.

After watching that video, I had an epiphany. I had been chasing a life that wasn’t resonating with who I really wanted to be. I didn’t want to be working for some corporate entity. I didn’t give a crap about furthering someone else’s agenda. I’d been focusing on security and stability, not personal growth. It was a wonder to me that I’d allowed it to go on for so long, but I think a big fancy corporate job is a bit like heroin or crack, it hooks you in and keeps you coming back all the while destroying you.

I had been living a life of fear

Fear of failing, fear of going broke, fear of losing friends, fear of not fitting in.. you name it. I was scared to death. The worst thing was that for all my life I had known that I’d wanted to be doing more of the things I truly enjoyed; writing, building, creating… I’d just decided at some point that there was no future in folly, and to be a responsible person, I had to get a decent job and advance within the firm. Gotta climb that ladder baby!

I’d picked a vocation based on one of my favorite things; art. The problem was I had to twist it, and squash it, and reduce it into something I could wring a living out of. Ultimately I’d taken something I loved and made a thing I hated. I subconsciously resented doing it of course, and the pain of that subconscious resentment manifested as an underlying thread of misery in my life.

I have no idea how i managed to do this. When I think back to my high school days, I remember being idealistic and driven. I was going to conquer the world. How I managed to fall so far is beyond me. I suspect it was a combination of things; laziness, fear, perceived responsibility to society, who knows. I do believe though, that it’s  akin to stepping into an ice luge. The first step is yours, the rest of the journey is just gravity. Stopping the downward slide is the hard part.

I was lucky enough to get spit out of the system because of a faulty economy, so I can’t take credit for making that decision on my own. There was no bravery involved; the decision was made for me. I can however make the decision to not get back on the ride. I wish I’d had the balls to make the decision on my own, but I’m not going to regret having that choice taken away from me, I’m past it and looking forward. I hope if you’re reading this and you are in a situation you wish were different, that you can stand up and demand better for yourself. As far as I know, we only get to do this life thing once, better not waste any time!

So there were decisions to make

Christina (My girlfriend) had also been laid off that year, and had been doing temp work for about nine months in an office downtown Orlando. I had taken a part-time job working with my friend Jeff at an art gallery to fill the days. We’d both become pretty hung up on this attraction business and were determined to decide what we wanted out of life and then go get it.

I have to admit that while I was the one to expose her to the attraction concept, Christina is better at it than I am. She built herself a dream board; essentially a bulletin board with photos of things she wanted in her life. We had been to Key West a few times, and loved it, but it wasn’t until we visited friends in the Virgin Islands that we really experienced the event horizon that would change everything. We were struck with a need to live in the Caribbean, on a sailboat! We knew we probably didn’t want to just pick up and move to St. Thomas directly, it’d be easier if we transitioned first and spent a few years in Key West learning to sail and acclimating to the island lifestyle and such. (It would be hard and brutal research I tell you).

On her dream board she put a photo of a sailboat, a photo of us in front of the Key West marina, a beach cruiser bicycle, and a fake 10,0000 dollar bill.

Long story short, four months later she’d applied for, been offered, and accepted a job in Key West. My work at the Gallery had oddly enough at just this time all but dried up.. another decision I wouldn’t be forced to make! I’d be out of work one way or another, so I may as well go to Key West!

We put the house up for rent, sold just about everything we owned (including my car), and threw what we did still have in a UHaul truck and hightailed it to Old Town where we’d found a cute little apartment just a week before.

Far from over!

So here I sit, no full-time job, living in key west, chasing a crazy dream of happiness and enlightenment.  I’ve decided to focus my energy on writing and hopefully inspiring people to chase their dreams in the process. I also expect to do a healthy amount of drinking in all the local bars and writing about that.

Sometime soon I’ll get a meaningless job to help pay bills until I become independently wealthy (haha), but I’m determined to stay away from any position where I’ll be expected to adhere to some corporate agenda that isn’t my own.

I think in this day and age, people have forgotten what it means to live a full meaningful life. Security and complacency have pushed us into jobs we don’t like, working for people we don’t respect, doing work we don’t enjoy.

I ran across this quote from Hellen Keller the other day, and I think it speaks volumes:

Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature,
nor do the children of men as a whole experience it.
Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure.
Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing.
To keep our faces toward change and behave like free spirits
in the presence of fate is strength undefeatable.
- Helen Keller

So wether your dream is Key West, Montana, The Arctic Circle, or the girl next door.. go for it. Don’t let yourself wander around aimlessly scared to effect change.. go grab the life you want! It’s easier than you might think.

Fort Zachary Taylor

(305) 292-6713 - www.fortzacharytaylor.com

I’ve always been a big fan of old war forts.

I’ve visited Fort Pulaski in Savannah, the Castillo de San Marcos in St. Augustine, Fort Jefferson in the Dry Tortugas, and now this one here in Key West. Out of the four I’ve visited, Fort Zach is probably the least interesting, (Ft Jefferson wins hands down!), but it’s the closest to me (biking distance), so it earns points in my book! Just because it’s not the most interesting though doesn’t mean it’s not still a blast to visit.

I will give fort Zach props in one other area as well, it’s the least busy of all the other forts.. with Castillo de San Marcos probably being the most visited I’ve seen. You can wander around fort Zach with relative freedom, and with little disturbance from groups of school children and gaggles of sweaty tourists all bustling for the best photos.

Fort Zach is a 3-sided fort with barracks buildings blocking off the back side of the parade grounds at the center. Two of the sides are pretty much locked up and unavailable for sightseeing due in part i’m sure to the state of disrepair the fort has fallen into. it’s just not safe to go in those wings.  Strangely enough, the one wing of the fort you can wander in freely appears to be the oldest, and constructed of all original brick work. I guess they knew what they were doing back in 1845! The other two wings were rebuilt at some point with reinforced concrete, and we all know what salt water does to iron rebar in concrete.. I don’t know how they will keep it form disintegrating completely at some point in the future.

A brief history

Construction began in 1845, and was completed in 1860. The fort was named after president Zachary Taylor in 1850 after his sudden death in office.

Originally the fort was 3 stories tall, but in 1889 the top two levels were demolished to make way for more modern weapons. Too bad! It would have been much more impressive if it were still intact. I can’t find a photo from way back then, but I was able to dig up a painting. (to the left).

In the early days of the Civil war in 1861 the fort was seized by Union forces under the command of Captain John Milton Brannan, preventing it from falling into Confederate hands. During this point the fort was primarily used to threaten blockade runners. The fort saw heavy use again in the late 1890′s during the Spanish-American war.

In 1948 the Army, having no more need of it,  turned the fort over to the U.S. Navy. In 1968 a team of volunteers began excavating the abandoned areas of the fort, finding the largest collection of Civil War Cannons in the nation. When the top two stories were demolished and two of the wings filled in, they had used the old cannons as filler! Fort Taylor was placed on the National Register of Historic Places in 1971, and designated a National Historic Landmark in 1973.

Originally the fort sat out in the ocean and was accessed by a 1000′ causeway, but due to the filling in of the areas around it to build the State Park, the fort is now landlocked. The mote was added in 1989 to give visitors a better sense of what it looked like originally.

When can I move in?

I wandered around in here for about an hour and a half. It’s not nearly as large as some of the other forts I’ve visited, and like I said, there’s not much to see in the two closed off wings, but the remaining red-brick construction barrel-vault wing is a very cool thing indeed. You can really get a sense of creeping claustrophobia in some of those dark small rooms. The lack of other visitors just makes it all the more creepy… I absolutely loved it.

You can really get a sense of what it must have been like huddled up inside here while cannons boomed and gunfire raged. The latrine is an interesting place to visit in the far back of the right wing. It was so dark I couldn’t get a good photo, but back in the day I guess the latrines were flushed by the ocean waves.. interesting!

They’re currently rebuilding the roof and renovating the old barracks on the back side of the parade grounds, so I wasn’t able to get in there to take photos, but I was heartened to see some renovation efforts. Maybe they won’t let this old treasure fall apart after all. I’ll definitely have to go back when it’s done and get some pix.

Up top

The view from the top is very nice, you can look out to the shipping channel that runs into Key West bight. The cruise ships go right by here too, and if you’re lucky one will rumble past when you’re up top.. I’m still amazed at how huge those things are!.. it’s quite a sight.

You can see where all the cannons were attached and check out some of the half-excavated old civil War cannons buried in the concrete foundations of the newer part of the fort. You also have a pretty cool view of backside of Fort Zach Beach and the Submarine port at the Truman Annex.

For the week preceeding Halloween during Fantasy Fest, the fort becomes a haunted house with a Civil War and Haunted Key West theme. Definitely something worth checking out. Check out the Haunting of Fort Zachary Taylor website.

Are all burglars in Key West this dumb?

Insomnia Sucks

Last night around 1:00 AM I was having trouble falling asleep so I wandered into the living room and sat down at the computer to try to shut down my brain. After about 20 minutes I decided that the internet held nothing for my state of emotional unrest, and I sat just staring at the dark room over the laptop monitor. I hadn’t turned any lights on, but the computer cast a bit of a glow, and I sat trying to call up some ghostly apparitions from the dark corners.. maybe Robert the Doll would come visit me, maybe he was responsible for my lack of sleep?? I was pretty sure I’d asked properly before taking his photo the other day, so I was pretty sure that wasn’t it.

After a few minutes of just mentally drifting in and out in the dark room I heard some rustling noises. What the fuck! For a brief moment I actually thought maybe I had conjured up some restless ghost, but I quickly came to the realization that the noises were coming from outside. I got up and went to the front door. I peeked through the blinds to the street and noticed a couple of dudes out there. This is nothing strange in and of itself because Key West never fully goes to sleep, and there are people walking up and down the streets at all hours. What was strange was that one of them was walking back and forth from my side of the street to the other looking up and down the street as if waiting for someone.. maybe a cab I thought.

The other guy disappeared in front of the building next door, then reappeared and walked into the little ‘alley’ between my apartment and that building. At this point I began to realize there was something up. There’s a gate there (albeit a very non-secure one) but you have to move the two of those large green trash bins to even get to the gate. I moved to the window above our couch that looks into the alley. I say alley, but it’s really just the space between the buildings.. maybe 6 feet wide if that. Being dark in my apartment, he didn’t notice I was watching him from my window as he proceeded to pry at the plywood panel screwed over a window in the building across from mine. Let me tell you, prying a plywood board off of a wooden frame window at 1:30 in the morning makes no small amount of noise. Did he think we were all deaf? It’s not like there were no front porch lights to let him know there were people home.

Great. Call the cops or go out and ask this brain surgeon what the hell his problem is? Part of me wanted to just go out and shoe his ass off, but then my desire to see this idiot go to jail got the better of me. Cursing my luck, I sat back down at the computer and googled KWPD, called the number and explained to the young lady who answered that there was a really dumb burglar trying to gain entrance to the realty business next door to my appt.. while she asked me for a description of the perp, Christina wandered out of bedroom and went into the bathroom. I didn’t think about this at the time, but the bathroom window faces the little alley, and she had turned the light on in there. How this guy didn’t see the light come on and bolt right then, I have no idea.

This guy isn’t terribly smart

I went back to the window and gave the officer on the phone a description… White male, short brown hair, 6 ft tall, white t-shirt (WHITE!!!!), dark shorts, no apparent implements of destruction, etc.

Now, I’m no expert on burglary, but if I was going to knock off a building at night, I might try to dress in something a little more appropriate, and I dunno..maybe try not to make enough noise to wake the dead. Fucks sake man, have a little respect for your craft!

It was right about then that I made the connection that dude number 2 on the far side of the street wasn’t waiting for a cab at all, but was this guys lookout! Well, dude number 2 must have given a signal because right then all hell broke lose; number 2 bolted, and my robber scurried out of the alley just as the police officer reached my front porch. He took off like a bat out of hell down the street, with two cops in hot pursuit. About 30 seconds later a police cruiser with lights blazing and sirens wailing flew past, and parked in the street a bit up the road. So exciting! I went outside and counted at least 4 police cruisers. It must have been a slow night at the station, they were all out in force! All said it was no more that 45 seconds after I called, that the police came running down the street.. pretty damned impressive response time. At least I know if there’s ever anything really bad happening I don’t have to worry about waiting for the fuzz!

I gave the officer on the phone my number and hung up. She called back a few minutes later telling me that an officer was coming to talk to me. I hoped that they’d gotten him. I waited on the porch for the officer, and when he arrived he took me down to his car to drive over to where they’d apprehended the guy so I could give a positive ID. I’d never been in a cop car before! At least I got to ride in the front seat. We did a drive by so I could see the guy. Yep, that was my dumb-ass burglar. He was shirtless at this point, but it was him.

Back at my apartment, I filled out a statement (Another first!), and said goodnight to the officers. They remained outside for about another hour playing CSI in the alley. We shut off the lights and went back to bed. I had to read myself back to sleep after all that.. I’d been trying to mellow out so I could sleep, and wound up championing the forces of good! I guess I’m glad I was awake to call the cops though, no telling what the perp could have gotten in that realty office. Important newspaper listings? Secret paperwork?

All in all a little rattling. I guess even paradise has its issues!

Shanna Key Pub

1900 Flagler Avenue – 305-295-8880 – http://shannakey.info/

It’s not much from the outside..

.. but we’d been wanting to hit this place for a while, and because it’s on the other side of US1 in new town it required getting in the car and driving. Well, OK.. it didn’t require driving.. we could have ridden our bikes I suppose, it’s only like a mile and a half away.. but we were in the car anyways because we’d been to the East Martello Museum to visit Robert the Doll. It was just after lunchtime, and hey, it was time for a beer or two.

We wandered in, sat at the bar and ordered up a couple Smithwicks. The young lass behind the bar looked at me strange and asked if we knew each other. Oh oh.. think, think, think… my mind scrambled to recognize her… I got nothing. I told her I was pretty sure we didn’t. She didn’t look convinced. Neither did Christina.

“Where are you from?” she asked. I noticed her irish accent now. “Orlando” I blurted feeling guilty already for whatever it was my doppelganger may have done to her. “Well, we live here now, but originally from Orlando”. She looked at me a little cautiously to see if maybe I was trying to pull one over on her. “Hm, she said, you look just like someone I know. You guys hungry?” She handed us a couple menus and wandered off to take care of a group of folks a little bit down the bar. I have to say that I get this more often than I think I ought to.. Do I really look that much like other people? I certainly don’t think so.. but what do I know.

They have a pretty good menu at Shanna Key, and we’d heard from more than a few people that the food was good. Neither of us was terribly hungry, so we tried to order light. What we really wanted to get were some scotch eggs, but they didn’t offer them. Christina ordered the Smoked Fish Dip, and I ordered the Corned Beef and Swiss sandwich. I’d just made corned beef and cabbage for dinner a couple nights before, and just that morning had used the leftover corned beef and potatoes to make corned beef hash, so I don’t know what possessed me to order corned beef again, but the stomach wants what the stomach wants.

Atmosphere

While waiting for our food, we finished our first beers and ordered up a second round while I checked out the decor. Shanna Key will certainly win no competitions for traditional Irish Pub furnishings. No heavy wood beams on the ceiling, no intricate wood work on or behind the bar, the walls sported no fancy-framed beer mirrors, relying mostly on sports posters to fill the space. Shanna Key calls itself a sports bar, so I guess the posters are de rigueur. Maybe I’m just not familiar with Irish sports bars, are they typically less-decorated than Irish pubs?

In the bar area up front, there are a few large, round, wooden bar-height tables to sit around, Some televisions hanging on the walls, and a few stools and such. There’s a sit-down dining room near the back of the place, I didn’t see anyone in there, but being 2:00 in the afternoon I wouldn’t expect it.

All in all, it’s pretty boring inside as far as the decor goes, so if you’re looking for a traditional dark Irish pub, this isn’t the place for you. What it does have, (and this is based solely on our one visit) is a healthy dose of interesting regulars. One of my favorite haunts back in Orlando; Casey’s on Central was the same way. No gimmicks, no fancy decoration, just good food, cold beer, and interesting conversation. The gentleman sitting next to Christina had just made a batch of home made salsa, and he’d brought a tupperware bowl of it and a bag of tortilla chips in to share with the people at the bar.  Very cool.. and the salsa was good!

Shanna Key is definitely a locals neighborhood sports bar first and foremost. I like it. I can see myself going back often.

The Food

The food was very good. My sandwich was made with shredded corned beef (Not sliced deli processed crap, but real boiled corned beef brisket), melted swiss, and Guinness mustard piled onto a toasted soft hoagie roll. It came with a big pile of yummy french fries. It was very tasty… very.

Christina’s Smoked Fish Dip was superb, and I don’t even like fish. I’m going to have to go back and order up some more food when I’m hungrier to see if everything else stacks up to these initial delights.

I give this bar  3 out of 5 beers, only losing one beer point because it’s really not decorated like an irish pub ought to be, but in all honesty, who the hell cares! The food is great, the beer is cold, and the people are great.. you couldn’t ask for much more. Well except maybe some some strippers, but that’s a story for another time….

If you’ve been to Shanna Key, let s all know what you’re experience was like!

Robert the Doll

Robert did it…

Robert the Doll has perhaps one of the more famous ghost stories of Key West. He certainly has one of the more tangible and creepy ones; tangible because he’s still around and you can go visit him, and creepy because.. well he’s just really creepy.

Young Robert Eugene Otto lived with his parents in Key West in the early 1900′s in what is now know as the Artist House. His parents were well off and had in their employ a few Bahamian ‘servants’ (Slaves?). It was rumored that they were stern people, and kept Robert under strict rule. They were also rumored to have been fairly unpleasant to their servants, one in particular, a woman who gave the then 5-year-old Robert a life-size doll in his own likeness shortly after the death of his sister. The doll made of wire, cloth and straw, and some say Robert’s own hair. It is also said to contain a soulstone. (This practice involves a small crystal being placed into an object, thus imbuing it with power by taking a soul of its own).

Robert struck up a strong bond with the doll, naming it Robert after himself, and demanding everyone from that point on refer to him as Eugene. Whenever Eugene would be scolded for something by his parents, he would always blame the doll.. “Robert did it!”

Eugene eventually went off to Paris to study painting and met his wife Anne, whom he brought back to Key West. His parents had died and left Eugene the family home, and upon moving in, Anne learned of the Doll Robert. She thought the relationship between her husband and the doll strange, but kept her thoughts to herself in the beginning. Eugene reportedly had Robert by his side at all times, wether painting or relaxing and this began to wear thin on Anne.

Reports vary, but the story basically goes like this; Anne had had enough, and insisted Robert be put in the attic, but after only a short time Eugene told her that Robert wanted his own room, and he hired carpenters to come in and construct a Robert-Sized room in the third floor turret room of the house. The room was complete with low ceilings, and doll sized furniture. Eugene sat Robert at the window so he could look out over the street.

Children on their way to school would walk by and claim to see robert moving about in the attic room, the curtains moved, and they said Robert would change positions. They’ve been interviewed as adults and still hold true to their claims.

Eugene became abusive towards Anne in his later years and would always tell her that “Robert did it.” After his death and burial in the Key West Cemetery, Anne locked Robert in his third floor room, moved back to her family in chicago, and leased out the house with the proviso that Robert remain the only occupant of the turret room.  This remained the case until her death in 1976 when the new occupants decided to renovate part of the attic to accommodate another bedroom.

This is the account of a plumber hired to work in the room:

“I was doing some work in the larger part of the attic of the house. The people there wanted to make it an additional room so I was running the lines for a new toilet. The doll looked pretty creepy sitting there on the little chair holding its stuffed animal, but I had work to do so I didn’t think much about it at first. As my work continued I had to make a few trips to get some parts from the van. Each time I returned I could swear the doll had moved a little bit. Like I said, I had work to do so I ignored it as much as I could, but when I was just about finished with the job and started decending the stairs, I heard a little kid giggling behind me. When I turned around the doll was on the opposite side of the room. The first thing I did was look to see where the kid was, but no one was there. I wasn’t really frightened, but it was weird so I just continued down stairs and left. Some of my tools are probably still up there.”

Subsequent occupants reported the sound of children giggling, thumping, and footsteps coming from the turret room. The often would enter the room to find robert in a different place than where they had set him. They were so disturbed by this that they locked Robert in a sea chest in his room.

Eventually the contents of the house were willed to the East Martello Museum where they discovered Robert in his chest and put him on display. I just had to go see this!

These days robert still holds court in the East Martello Museum

And he really does hold court. People come from all over to see him, they leave notes.. they write letters, there is an official ‘Robert the Doll Day’ in Key West. It’s said that Robert drains batteries, and causes all manner of disturbances with cameras. People report of having an entire roll of film come out black, others report having the entire roll be photos of Robert instead of the rest of the museum. Three People have had their pacemakers fail while visiting Robert. If you don’t ask Robert’s permission to photograph him, or say hello and goodbye to him, you will have bad luck, even sickness.

I went in thinking to myself.. I’m not going to ask permission, that’s silly.. besides how am I going to know if it’s true or not!

I chickened out. I asked. I’m a little ashamed of it, but at the last minute I decided that I was on a mission to have less strife and more harmony in my life so I needed all the superstitions help I could get.. no matter how silly it was.

Seeing Robert up close and personal is a little unsettling. I don’t know if it was because I’d read so much about him, or if there was really something emanating from him. It’s not so much that it feels evil as develish.. like a little kid holding a burning bag with a dog turd in it, trying to decide who’s porch to drop it on…

Goodbye Robert!

We took turns taking our pictures with him, and we said our goodbyes.

I haven’t experienced any bad luck or anything, but Sunday Christina and I had a little fight.. I wonder if it was Robert working his mojo on me…

MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!